Hard Times

I am having a hard time. "Why" you might ask. I have learned so much since I've come to FPU and I feel like I am at a different place than my peers. I've come a long way in my journey and I'm not sure how many people know this or who should. Some people grow up in general comfort or happiness; others are not so fortunate. I, on the other hand, have had the opportunity to see both sides personally. That's probably something I should save for when I write a book about my experience or something of that nature. The point being that I grew up in a large family, but also have been on my own since 18; been in small towns (100,000 pop. for 9 years) and big cities (5mill. pop. for 1 year); been to many parts of the US and the world (West Coast, East Coast, Eastern Europe, Western Europe); been in(volved in) many different churches (immigrant congregations varying from 20 people to 800 - Evangelical Christian churches in Ukraine 30-600); worked in many places (Starbucks, Marriage and Family Coalition of Fresno, Roofing construction, Retirement Care Center, Admissions office at a university); lived on meager terms (life in a large, one-income family) and on fairly well-off terms (student life in Ukraine with the finances of an American construction worker); and I could go on.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, if it's not obvious by now, is that I've been through a lot (depending on what one would define as "a lot") despite my age... and what I've brought up isn't nearly all of it.

Although I'm not one of those guys whose been through an amazing recovery moment (from drug addiction to God addiction) or anything of the sort, I've always had the desire to serve God and I remember even to this day when I was much younger (9-16ish) how I would pray every night before bed that God would make out of me a person who would serve him wholeheartedly and that he would be make a man of God out of me. I remember even praying for wisdom and for the right "one" if ya'll know what I'm talking about ;) This was the "standard" prayer that I would pray every night. I would always pray for my family (each and every person individually). And some time later I would begin to add in that I would like to learn the Russian language.

God has answered so many of my prayers. If you were to tell me 6 years ago that I would know/speak Russian well one day, I would have doubted you. If you were to say that I would be able to attend my first choice college, I wouldn't have believed you. But these are just two of the many prayers that God has answered for me. I hope I'm not coming off as the guy who gets it all good from God and if you don't get what you ask for, then too bad for you.

What I mean to say through all of this is not that I'm better than you or anyone else. What I think I want to say is that we've all been somewhere, experienced much, and learned much from God in one way or another, whether we realize it or not. I have come to find that I experienced a culture shock when I moved to Ukraine for a year. But not only did that happen in Ukraine, but also when I returned "home" to the US. I questioned much about what we do and why we do it. My heart has always been in finding out more about God, myself, the way the world works, the way people work, and the like. This lead me to many questions and, consequently, doubts.

Topics such as salvation, sin, the inerrancy of the bible, God's grace, the implications of being a Christian in the 21st century, etc. brought about so much conversation for me. And now that I have experienced so much and God has opened up so much for me, I feel like I am a heretic. Because I've ended up in a place different from what most Christians (especially those surrounding me) believe and likewise where I used to be.

I am at times outraged at the ways people misinterpret the Hebrew Scriptures and the New testament to cheapen God's desire for people and the rest of his creation. I've noticed a tendency to "spiritualize" (if it can be put in those terms) the good news and make something half as good. I am of the opinion that God not only desires to save us from our sins and transform us, but he also desires to transform and renew all of creation (Romans 8:19-22).

I was listening to a person speak in my church recently and he mentioned the story of when Jesus and the disciples were in a storm on a boat. Jesus is asleep in the boat and the disciples are scared for their lives. They wake up Jesus and he calms the storm and asks, "where is your faith?". And then this person said, if you find storms in your life, then let Jesus take charge and calm those raging seas (or something along those lines). To me, this is a bogus and unfair interpretation of the text. Although it may be very true to say that Jesus calms the perpetual storms of sin in our lives, it is not safe to say that in relation to this text (Luke 8:22-25). In antiquity, people believed that still waters (i.e. Oceans, seas, lakes) were the abyss (perhaps in this context, hades or death). Nobody has control over the abyss except for God. This is why the disciples are taken aback by Jesus' action in verse 25. He can control the sea. "Who is this? He commands even the winds and water, and they obey him." The point of this text is to show that Jesus is God, not that he calms "spiritual storms" in your heart. This is just one example of what I mean by spiritualizing the gospel. We can miss out on so much if we don't look at context and interpret it to our modern terms.

Maybe I am just talking too much. Maybe I don't have it all down. I suppose I should rather say that we should just be open to God revealing more about himself, not only through the Bible, but also through our relationships with one another. However, I don't find this too often with Christians. We believe we have it all down. So I this is why I say, I am having a hard time.